Jan. 10th, 2017

herr_0berst: (Default)
61 British Sentences That Will Confuse The Fuck Out Of Everyone Else
[by Hilary Mitchell | Oct. 27, 2016, | via BuzzFeed]

1. “It’s not quite what I had in mind.” – What the bloody hell is this?

2. “That’s a bit off.”
– I will never forgive you for what you just said.

3. “Oh yes, he’s a lot of fun.”
– He’s an absolute nightmare.

4. “They’re fine once you get to know them.” – They’re arseholes.

5. “It rings a bell.” – I have no idea what you’re talking about.

6. “Fancy a drink?” – Fancy staying out until 3am and waking up with your face glued to a kebab?

7. “We’re going on a date.” — We’re getting pissed together.

8. “I got a bit tipsy last night.” – I drank 17 pints and then punched a police horse.

9. “Picnic” — Daytime piss-up.

10. “Barbecue” — Piss-up in the garden.

11. “It got a bit lively.” – The police were called.

12. “I’m doing Drynuary.” – I’ve stopped drinking during the day.

13. “I’m a bit tired.” – I’m hungover.

14. “I’m feeling a bit under the weather, to be honest.” – I have alcohol poisoning.

15. “I’m a tad poorly.” – Kill me.

16. “You look like you had fun last night!” – You look like you slept in a bin.

17. “It’s OK, we’ve not been here long either.” – We’ve been here for ages and we’ll never forgive you for keeping us waiting.

18. “Yes, it’s great, I love it.” – I am very dismayed by this haircut.

19. “Anyway, it was lovely to meet you.” – Please go away now.

20. “I’ll let you get on.”
– Seriously mate, piss off.

21. “I might pop along.”
– I’m probably not coming.

22. “I’ll see how I feel.”
– I’m definitely not coming.

23. “I tried to call you.” – I let the phone ring twice and then hung up.

24. “It’s totally fine if you can’t make it.” – I don’t want you to come.

25. “It could be worse.” – No, it couldn’t.

26. “I’ll have a word with them about it.” – I’ll never mention this to them.

27. “It is what it is.” – I can’t be bothered to fix this thing, so stop complaining.

28. “Truth be told, I’m a little bit miffed.” – I’m going to stab someone.

29. “Want to have lunch together?”
– Want to run to Greggs and back in the rain?

30. “It was OK, but I wouldn’t order it again.”
– This meal was horrible, deeply disappointing, and shit.

31. “Did I give you enough cash?” – Give me my change. Now.

32. “With the greatest respect…” – I think you’re an idiot.

33. “Well, it can’t hurt, I suppose.” – You’re making a huge mistake.

34. “Maybe I’m not explaining it properly.” – I am explaining it properly, you’re just dim.

35. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
– It’s not my problem.

36. “It’s a step in the right direction.” – But it’s still rubbish.

37. “Very interesting.” – You’re talking bollocks.

38. “Don’t quote me on that.” – Don’t blame me if the vague, half-made-up information I just passed on backfires on you.

39. “It was working a minute ago.” – You’ve broken it.

40. “Don’t worry, it’s probably my fault.” – It’s definitely your fault.

41. “You should come over for dinner sometime.” – I will never invite you over for dinner.

42. “Ooh, I could get used to this!” – Something very faintly luxurious has just happened, e.g. being offered a cup of tea.

43. “Can you pop it in an email?” – Please stop talking.

44. “That’s a very good question.” – One that I don’t know the answer to.

45. “Can I borrow you for a second?” – You’re in deep shit.

46. “Now, don’t be alarmed, but…” – Be very, very alarmed.

47. “Let’s agree to disagree.”
– I’m obviously right, but I’ve run out of things to say.

48. “Look, let’s just forget it.” – I will never, ever forget this.

49. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” – I have no idea what to say about the crushing disappointment you’ve just experienced.

50. “Oh, hi! Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
– I was actively trying to avoid you.

51. “Well, that’s not quite what happened.” – Will your lies never end?

52. “There’s been a bit of a mix-up.” – I’ve ruined all of your plans and destroyed everything you hold dear.

53. “Only if you’re making one.”
– Why yes, I desperately want a cup of tea.

54. “It’s up to you.” – You’d better pick the thing I want to do.

55. “Could do, I suppose.” – No.

56. “Sorry.” — I’m not sorry.

57. “I don’t mind.” – I do mind.

58. “It’s OK.” – It’s not OK.

59. “I’m fine.” – I’m fine.

60. “I’m fine.” – I’m furious.

61. “I’m fine!” – My whole life is in tatters. Please bring me a drink.

herr_0berst: (arbeit bw)
Пишет некий "уезжант" на форуме мгушников:

[...] в Москве. Зима.
Чудовищно. Я не могу понять, как я тут жил много лет.
Серое небо (уже два месяца как такая погода, говорят). Облезлые многоэтажки. Машины грязные, как свинопотамы. Более-менее светло часов в 10 дня.
Воображаю себе картину "к 9 утра на работу из-за мкада". Просыпаешься - темнище. На улице дубак (ладно еще сейчас ноль). На остановке церемониально померзнуть. Хмурые, злые люди в автобусах или, не дай бог, электричках. Сидячих мест мало. Метро шумное. А вечером назад. Ладно еще если дома тебя ждет любимая, а если ты один? Тут самые развеселые клоуны и квнщики начнут бухать. Кому тут еще рождаться, кроме Егоров Летовых? Что тут еще делать, кроме, как запрещать?
Даже вчерашняя выставка Васи Ложкина в таком ракурсе отдает трагизмом (так себе выставка, не рекомендую, ждал большего).


Автор, надо полагать, проснувшись утром, распахивает окна до пола, в огромную спальню врываются солнечный свет и океанский бриз, спускается в столовую, где приветливо улыбающаяся горничная уже накрыла лёгкий завтрак, окунувшись в бассейн и освежившись, надевает идеально скроенный костюм от Бриони без галстука, садится в Феррари с открытым верхом и за пять минут под рёв мощного мотора и шелест волн внизу долетает с ветерком до офиса.

Молодец, короче, автор -- рад за него.

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